There\u2019s a certain breed of woman here in the Big City, a kind that has developed a new style and tactic of seduction that only the finely honed instincts of a metropolitan could pull off.\u00a0 Foregoing the advances made by their forbears in the suffrage and women\u2019s rights movements of times gone by, these women employ a tactic of strategic helplessness and play on the inbred male sense of chivalry to get any “big, strong man” within earshot to take care of a deed they find repulsive, beneath them or just plain icky.\u00a0 Such deeds to include the taking out of the trash, the killing of creepy crawlies and any activity involving a Craftsman hand tool.\u00a0 Such a one is my good friend Dimples.<\/p>\n
Dimples was raised in the South and, like any good Southern woman, is completely useless when it comes to manual labor. \u00a0Time and time again I have been suckered into household chores that she claimed would make her vomit.\u00a0 I have yet to see said reaction and believe it only to exist on the same astral plane as pixies, elves and unicorns.\u00a0 Tonight\u2019s task was unclogging the bathroom sink.<\/p>\n
She had mentioned to me earlier in the day that her sink was running really slow and would I mind taking a look at it when I came over.\u00a0 We had a standing Monday night dinner date so it wouldn\u2019t really be a bother.\u00a0 She said she had tried to pull out the stopper but couldn\u2019t figure it out.\u00a0 I told her not to worry about it and I\u2019d look at it when I got there.<\/p>\n
Now, I consider myself just your average dude:\u00a0 I have no more than minimal male exposure to\u00a0and\/or expertise in the areas of construction, automotive repair and computer technology.\u00a0 Yet every woman on the planet seems to think that with chest hair and male pattern baldness comes expert knowledge of all things mechanical.\u00a0 Up until now, I\u2019ve been able to fake my way through just about all of it.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t about to let something as silly as a clogged drain stop me.<\/p>\n
As I approached the drain, I could see what the problem was already.\u00a0 Wet, matted clumps of long, auburn hair were sprouting thickly from the underside of the silver circle of the stopper.\u00a0 As I grimaced and pulled at these clumps, a viscous, dark muck came with it.\u00a0 This was not going to be pretty.\u00a0 I started collecting the strands on a piece of two-ply toilet tissue.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t long until I had a decent mound about the size of a silver dollar. \u00a0Unfortunately, this wasn\u2019t helping the flow of H2O.<\/p>\n
After struggling vainly for several minutes at pulling, pushing and twisting out the stopper, I went to Google.\u00a0 This, if anything, is the secret to a 21st century man\u2019s power:\u00a0 there is nothing that can\u2019t be learned by the right search terms and an internet connection.\u00a0 Within moments, I had discovered that the stopper was being held in place by a thin metal rod and a nut screwed into the pipe.\u00a0 With this wiki-wisdom in mind, it was only a minute before the stopper was out and I was in need of a flashlight.<\/p>\n
Another quality of this peculiar breed of city woman is that, whether they live alone or not, they have an astounding lack of basic tools.\u00a0 Not so much as a screwdriver, let alone pliers, hammer or, God forbid, flashlight can easily be found on their premises.\u00a0 While Dimples stood dumbstruck and pondered open-mouthed my confounding request, I made my way to my bag and pulled out my trusty Maglite.\u00a0 These women are not to be trusted.<\/p>\n
Back at the sink, my eyes now confirmed what my nose had suspected:\u00a0 it was a mess in there.\u00a0 It gave off the dank, musty smell of a stagnant pond or earthen basement.\u00a0 There was something primordial going on in there and it had to be dealt with.<\/p>\n
I tentatively reached a finger down through the hole left by the silver stopper.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t until I was over an inch into the pipe that the matted gunk started to thin out and I stood a chance of finding a finger hold.\u00a0 I wrapped my\u00a0digit over the lip of the impaction and slowly drew it out into the light.\u00a0 My grimace deepened as\u00a0a slithering mess trailed\u00a0out after it.\u00a0 All told it had to be a good 12 to 14 inches of black, glistening filth that seemed to wriggle and squirm with a life of its own.\u00a0\u00a0I soon realized that the movement was only me not being able to hold still\u00a0my repulsion\u00a0as well as everything\u00a0else now\u00a0at arm\u2019s length.\u00a0 That was when I called for Dimples to come here for a minute.<\/p>\n
As she approached the bathroom door, I told her to take a breath and steady herself.\u00a0 With a look of dread, she stopped, breathed and then rounded the door frame.\u00a0 One look and her hand flew straight for her mouth, her eyes clamped shut and she stumbled back in horror.\u00a0 It was only with a tremendous force of will that she did not redecorate her closet door with that evening\u2019s repast.\u00a0 As she muttered \u201coh my God\u201d repeatedly under her breath, I told her that what I was holding was all her and all her fault.\u00a0 Then I asked if she might be able to pull herself together enough to bring me a paper towel.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t sure how much longer I could stand there holding the thing up and my lunch down at the same time.<\/p>\n
Dimples soon informed me in a weak and withered voice that, of course, she was out of paper towels.\u00a0 Next I asked for a plastic grocery bag.\u00a0 That she had.\u00a0 She approached me with bag open and outstretched at arm\u2019s length, eyes clamped shut and head turned as far to one side as humanly possible. \u00a0I thought I\u2019d spare her the torment just this once:\u00a0 I\u00a0took the bag with my one free hand and placed the befouled creature inside.\u00a0 I sealed it with a tight double knot and put it in the trash, never to be seen, by the grace of God, again.<\/p>\n
After a few more minutes of tinkering, I was able to figure out how to put everything back\u00a0together again\u00a0without it leaking all over the inside of the cabinet underneath.\u00a0 As I watched the water drain at its new, lightening-quick speed, I threw out my chest and walked with a swagger back to the living room.\u00a0 I resisted the urge to beat my chest and bellow to my jungle friends, but only just barely.<\/p>\n
As I sat on the love seat, contemplating how to make good my escape from the latest episode of a reality television love program, I began to wonder how I manage to get suckered into these things.\u00a0 Is it the playing to my ego? \u00a0Is it the flattery and cooed acclamations\u00a0of what a \u201cbig, strong man\u201d I am?\u00a0 Is it the praising of my superior intellect?\u00a0 Is it my cunning wit and dashing good looks?\u00a0 The answer is \u201cyes\u201d and these are the burdens I must bear.\u00a0 It\u2019s amazing some lucky girl hasn\u2019t snapped me up all ready.<\/p>\n
Now if I could just get one of them to return my phone calls…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
There\u2019s a certain breed of woman here in the Big City, a kind that has developed a new style and tactic of seduction that only the finely honed instincts of a metropolitan could pull off.\u00a0 Foregoing the advances made by their forbears in the suffrage and women\u2019s rights movements of times gone by, these women … Continue reading