As the time quickly approaches for me to make my annual pilgrimage westward for some familial holiday Q.T., I find myself developing a not entirely unexpected, though mild, case of post-traumatic stress.\u00a0 Read on and you’ll understand why.\u00a0 When I was a kid, I used to love winter weather.\u00a0 Now…well, let’s just say I’m “on the fence” and leave it at that…\u00a0<\/p>\n
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DATELINE \u2013 Day 1<\/span>.\u00a0 A frozen somewhere far beyond the bounds of civilization.<\/p>\n This is your intrepid reporter coming to you from the frosty wilds of the Inland Northwest.\u00a0 \u201cWhere is the Inland Northwest?\u201d you may ask.\u00a0 Well, I\u2019ll tell you:\u00a0 you\u2019ve heard of Seattle and the Pacific Northwest?\u00a0 Go inland and you\u2019re there.<\/p>\n It\u2019s an area that encompasses eastern Washington State, northern Idaho and western Montana.\u00a0 Just call it \u201cthe northwest wilderness\u201d and you\u2019d be close enough to the mark.<\/p>\n My first lungful of frigid western air caused a freezing twinge deep in my lungs that brought on a recurring hack I have yet to shake.\u00a0 The cold, dry air has also promoted a profusion of mucus production last seen only during the previous year\u2019s annual summer cold crisis.\u00a0 The Kleenex Company plans to report a sharp upsurge in sales in their next quarterly earnings report.\u00a0 Shareholders plan to applaud.<\/p>\n *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *<\/p>\n DATELINE \u2013 Day 2<\/span>.\u00a0 The frozen wilds.<\/p>\n Attendance at the weekly cottage religious services was called off on account of weather.\u00a0 Instead the bulk of the day was spent in attendance of a compulsory crash course in the lost art of snow shoveling.\u00a0 The class was conducted in a real-world setting with a hands-on teaching approach.\u00a0 The course material covered equipment, precipitation disposal, strategy formulation and problem solving skills.\u00a0 Most of class time was spent in the constant personal prevention of prolific blaspheming, whether under the breath or for all to hear.\u00a0 Results in the attempts to keep holy the Lord\u2019s Day were modest at best.<\/p>\n Class recommendations: warm clothing, Icy Hot muscle relaxant, avoidance of class attendance if at all possible. Course critiques: unpaved circular driveways are the devil.<\/p>\n *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *<\/p>\n DATELINE \u2013 Day 3<\/span>.\u00a0 Surrounded by snow banks.<\/p>\n Upon completion of yesterday\u2019s course, I have been commissioned as a newly minted snow-shoveler\u00a0in good standing.\u00a0 Course completion resulted in the relief of one of the veteran members of the shoveling team so that she might enjoy the refuge and respite of her sewing room.\u00a0 Many an evil eye was turned upon the warm glow of the amber light issuing from the window of said refuge during the course of the days work.\u00a0 Evil eye usage mostly coincided with the bellowing reports of your intrepid reporter\u2019s spinal erector muscles of the abundant presence of lactic acid in their ranks.\u00a0 Transmission of reports was most clearly heard during laden, upward movements of the torso.\u00a0 Prolonged stay in a local area hospital foreseen as a real possibility.<\/p>\n *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *<\/p>\n DATELINE \u2013 Day 4<\/span>.\u00a0 Up to the neck in snow drifts.<\/p>\n The record snow fall continues for the fourth straight day here in the inland wilds.\u00a0 The brain has taken to dissociating\u00a0completely from the body once the ever-increasingly familiar shape of a snow shovel appears within the field of vision.\u00a0 It is from a benumbed and semi-somnambulant stupor that the body continues its now all too familiar routine of daily life.\u00a0 It is wondered what life was like before the day started off with breakfast and shoveling?\u00a0 How did the world go round and human life continue to exist before the shoveling?\u00a0 It is a thought much marveled at during the solitary and mind-numbing daily ritual.\u00a0 Other flights of fancy are not uncommon.<\/p>\n A vague recollection of the anticipated arrival of a sainted portly gentleman in crimson attire persists for reasons unknown.\u00a0 Further details to follow upon clarity of recollection.\u00a0 Do not anticipate details before return of intrepid reporter to the land of concrete and chrome.<\/p>\n *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *<\/p>\n DATELINE \u2013 Day 5<\/span>.\u00a0 Amongst the faux evergreen, fearing the outside world.<\/p>\n The birth of the Savior was celebrated in the only way one could imagine: with the shoveling of snow.\u00a0 Overnight snowfall accumulation of 6+ inches resulted in another cancellation of attendance of small town worship services in favor of the sweat-soaked clearing of circular drive and adjoining strategic mailbox and back door access paths.\u00a0 Though a postponement of exterior domicile duties was declared for the opportunity of familial bonding and gift exchange, precipitation homage was paid in due course after a hearty midday repast in the hopes of fueling said endeavors.\u00a0 These hopes were not brought to fruition.\u00a0 Aggravation at the necessary physical labor on this particular day was even expressed by the fearless leader of the merry band.\u00a0 The first signs of a developing case of cabin fever have started to show, as well as fervent hopes that a respite in the weather might result on the following day.\u00a0 All aching muscles have been reported to heartily agree.<\/p>\n *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *<\/p>\n DATELINE \u2013 Day 6<\/span>.\u00a0 Escaped from captivity and back amongst the land of the living.<\/p>\n A brief window in the relentless weather has appeared and we have taken said opportunity to get out while the getting was good.\u00a0 Trips were made to various and sundry retail outlets for the acquiring of further goods to help bolster the sagging holiday spirits.\u00a0 Spirit bolstering achieved with great success after a painful financial\u00a0jab to a reportedly \u201cfree and clear\u201d plastic promissory card.\u00a0 Ensuing ache reported to be located somewhere in the vicinity of constituent\u2019s billfold.\u00a0 Further details on reported medical condition as they develop.<\/p>\n *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *<\/p>\n DATELINE \u2013 Day 7<\/span>.\u00a0 Lost in the tundra.<\/p>\n The return of loathed weather dumps record numbers in vicinity of domicile.\u00a0 Mass of precipitation reported to be denser than any thus far experienced seasonal weather.\u00a0 Reprieve from shoveling offered to intrepid reporter in exchange for the assignment of removal of accumulated precipitation off the roof of ancillary vehicle storage facility.\u00a0 Questions arising as to classification of assignment as \u201creprieve\u201d.<\/p>\n Ray of hope shines in darkness: reports of warming trend predicted for rest of the day on into the weekend.\u00a0 Praise and thanks for the mercy of the Almighty offered immediately upon confirmation of reports.<\/p>\n *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *<\/p>\n DATELINE \u2013 Day 8<\/span>.\u00a0 Aghast at the developing situation.<\/p>\n Warming trend continues as frozen precipitation is replaced by a messy semi-solid both familiar and reviled by your intrepid reporter.\u00a0 Religious services a go amid piteous attempts by low-hanging storm clouds at liquid deluge.\u00a0 Fervent hunger pains endured during services due to ill-planned morning activities.\u00a0 Bad planning blamed on disruption of usual routine: \u00a0course of action unknown when frozen precipitation removal device not incorporated or mandatory.\u00a0 Ensuing confusion resulted in foregoing of morning repast.\u00a0 Midday repast consumed with redoubled vigor.\u00a0 Evening repast heavily anticipated:\u00a0 rumors of homemade Italian flatbread unconfirmed at this time.<\/p>\n *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *<\/p>\n DATELINE \u2013 Day 9<\/span>.\u00a0 Complete and total memory loss.<\/p>\n No recollection of activities.\u00a0 Day lost to oblivious haze of household chores.\u00a0 Physical exhaustion and not alcoholic consumption (this time) cited as reason for memory loss.\u00a0 Doubtful if respite (if any were indeed had) would serve to improve ravaged physical condition.\u00a0 Reports of pitiful, plaintive cries by your intrepid reporter for comforting maternal figure would not come as a surprise.<\/p>\n *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *<\/p>\n DATELINE \u2013 Day 10<\/span>.\u00a0 The last straw; camel\u2019s back officially broken.<\/p>\n Nine inches of overnight accumulation has prompted incessant questions about the existence of a Supreme Being.\u00a0 If indeed existent, additional questions arising for Supreme Being as to why the persistent and personal punishment in the form of frozen precipitation.\u00a0 Idle talk of acquirement of gas-powered winter power tool has turned to solid plan of action.\u00a0 Plan of action foiled upon reports of lines of people 40 deep every morning at home\u00a0improvement mega stores as early as one hour before store opening.\u00a0 Overwhelming despair battled in earnest amid renewed concerns for manual snow removal implements.\u00a0 Shedding of blade re-enforcement support of one removal implement cause for great trepidation.\u00a0 Supplementary or replacement implements not anticipated until the Fourth of July summer sale.<\/p>\n *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *<\/p>\n DATELINE \u2013 Day 11<\/span>.\u00a0 Forced march through hostile terrain.<\/p>\n High winds in the overnight hours resulted in 2 inches of drift accumulation on all freshly shoveled surfaces.\u00a0 Shoveling activities forgone purely for the sake of group mental health and morale.\u00a0 Instead, a two-mile amble \u201caround the block\u201d in the subfreezing temperatures was suggested and implemented.\u00a0 Grudging acknowledgement granted of beauty of landscape and mild relief of encroaching case of cabin fever.\u00a0 Despite consistently adequate weather protection, feelings of weariness\u00a0toward pervasive cold persist.<\/p>\n *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *<\/p>\n DATELINE \u2013 Day 12<\/span>.\u00a0 One last kick in the pants.<\/p>\n Yet again we have been granted a reprieve from the masochism that is quickly becoming a way of life.\u00a0 We awoke to find yet another storm upon us and our fearless leader had quickly made the decision to not even bother with precipitation removal procedures until noon tomorrow.\u00a0 Impulses to idol worship of fearless leader heavily considered.\u00a0 Yet another snowbound day indoors anticipated.<\/p>\n A true test of sanity forecasted upon the heartbreaking discovery of the loss of satellite television\u00a0signal.\u00a0 White jacket and rubber room predicted for very near future.<\/p>\n *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *<\/p>\n DATELINE – Day 13<\/span>.\u00a0 And one to remember us by.<\/p>\n The reprieves are over and I wish the warden would throw the switch all ready.\u00a0 On the eve of my departure from this unforgiving land of eternal pallor, nature has seen fit to kick me while I\u2019m down:\u00a0 9 inches of overnight accumulation to dispose of.\u00a0 The snow banks are officially over my head and have to be 6 feet if an inch.\u00a0 It is wondered how one is to efficiently dispose of snow by throwing it over one\u2019s head.\u00a0 The task is as unpleasant as can be imagined.\u00a0 Constant wonderings as to who hates me and why come interspersed with ever more frequent trips to my happy place.\u00a0 Serious thoughts entertained of the world as no more than a nightmare and wonder at why one can\u2019t rouse from such a bad dream.\u00a0 It is unknown how much more visitors and residents alike can take.\u00a0 Earnest prayers offered for the safety, endurance and continued well-being of manual winter precipitation removal devices.\u00a0 If they fail, the battle is lost and search parties should be sent out for survivors.\u00a0 Then hibernation will no longer be only a long-sought dream but indeed the safest course of action.<\/p>\n *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *<\/p>\n DATELINE – Day 14<\/span>.\u00a0 Home sweet home.<\/p>\n Two hours of sleep is the entirety of allocation before predawn sojourn to local air transportation hub.\u00a0 Joy at impending freedom from winter tyranny manifests itself in yet another quality coed chatted up by your intrepid reporter.\u00a0 Fair warning issued to all matriarchs to consider secreting their female offspring in well-secured edifices.\u00a0 Your intrepid reporter is not responsible for excessive demonstrations of his jubilation, whatever form they may take.<\/p>\n Excessive jubilation manifested in persistent unconscious state for 2500 of 3000 mile journey.\u00a0 Cost of additional $15 dollars applied to already exhorbitant\u00a0fee of hired ground transportation service\u00a0INTO City as compared to transport OUT of City.\u00a0 Mystery abounds concerning said discrepancy but creeping suspicion of bona fide \u201cracket\u201d smothered under all-encompassing desire to arrive at private and personal domicile.<\/p>\n Sweet sighs\u00a0of relief upon the discovery of vacated domicile still whole and contiguous.\u00a0 Somnambulant stupor achieved for remainder of waking hours and rudimentary plans formulated for continuation of stupor through to following day.\u00a0 No plans foreseen for near future beyond recliner, quilted blanket, flat screen and the avoidance of anything even close to resembling frozen winter precipitation.\u00a0 Disposal of precipitation is now officially someone else\u2019s problem.\u00a0 Chinese food delivery a distinct and inevitable possibility.<\/p>\n There\u2019s no place like home.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" As the time quickly approaches for me to make my annual pilgrimage westward for some familial holiday Q.T., I find myself developing a not entirely unexpected, though mild, case of post-traumatic stress.\u00a0 Read on and you’ll understand why.\u00a0 When I was a kid, I used to love winter weather.\u00a0 Now…well, let’s just say I’m “on … Continue reading